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Losing // the Dancer II

from star, star by mingjia

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lyrics

i keep waiting i’ve been waiting
for a lifetime to decide
what of myself i can love enough to call mine
i sweat my entire self into vinaigrette puddles, bubbles nothing left i
i, i try! i, i—

we can walk
beside the train tracks
& i
can wait a little longer
i can talk about the things to make u feel better (much better!)
look there, a sparrow! yellow white yarrow!
you can give me something i can talk about
i can keep on talking

until the alphabet runs out
i can keep on talking
wishing we could stay this way
wishing i had more to say
until every tiny little star far up
i can keep talking
til every tiny little lie i told
i can keep talking
falls down like a feather gently in your palm

i’ll dance to keep my head above the water
i’ll dance to keep this love in me alive
i’ll dance to see the grace in falling over
i’ll dance to teach my loving to suffice

this endless winter covers me with splinters
i’ll let myself know it’s a war we fight
years end though giving can be so unkind
even if i feel like im alright
wishing to float off with the glowing cinders
see the maze unwind!

i am ugly! i am holy! i am porous coral!
i am ugly & that is holy, that is how i feel
it’s is all i know to be true

leaving my toothbrush in the hotel
losing my luggage at the airport
losing my breath trying to catch up
losing my brain at this game
cause i can’t win your heart
so i’ve lost my name

losing my glasses when they’re on face
losing my confidence when the things i misplace
seem so easy, it’s easy
it’s so easy to forget that this is hard
that we’re all misplaced from the start

it’s not the first time im going away
when it’s you who is leaving
what do i look like to you when
i’m sinking away into a camomile sky?

i dance
i am
i breathe
i can
i jump
i stir
i fall
i wait
i keep
i lose
i run
i fly
i hear
i sneeze
i try
i—
don’t you know i’m no good for you?
don’t you know
don’t you know
don’t you showed you won’t
but don’t you know you
where you got to go? i know i
don’t try hard enough but enough
is enough is enough is
even now it still somehow it shows
i know
i know
i know
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i

credits

from star, star, released November 17, 2023

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mingjia Toronto, Ontario

is it true??????

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